Reelist: The ABCs of Film Clichés

At Reelist: it made sense to update the clichés behind so many over-clichéd titles. What with Hollywood pursuing more big-budget films every year, there are mass-targeting efforts underfoot to mainstream audiences to these bromide-heavy, ‘tentpole’ releases:

Aliens: Aliens have just one, singular culture – same language, religion, clothes – whichever planet they herald from. They rarely come in peace, and never blow up Earth when they lose ground. They typically come back for those who have been left behind, no matter the risk.

Artists: Temperamental drinkers. Writers crumple typewritten sheets in anger. They rarely use word-processors. Painters stand with bare torsos, hurling paint at the canvas.

Baths: Bubble baths hide everything. Bubbles never dissipate. Nobody ever goes to the bathroom except to bathe, make love or brush teeth vigorously while thinking in voiceover or finding themselves screwed up.

Bars: Troubled men gulp their drinks at one shot, and ask for another.

Birth: The trip to the hospital has endless problems and only by the sheerest luck does the woman get to deliver in a place that has doctors. Just a couple of hours after giving birth, she looks as if she’d never been through it.

Bombs: All timebombs use a red digital display to show the countdown.

Cars: No one ever bothers to lock their cars when getting out.

Car chases: If you’re trying to get away the car won’t start until you give it a few tries. It will inevitably get on the pavement and hit the vegetables of the Korean greengrocer. During chases,
police cars will get battered more than the others.

Clothes: When you steal clothes from a washline, they will be a perfect fit.

Conversation: In intimate conversation, both people face the camera, so that one is talking to the other’s back. Sometimes they both face the window and talk to the landscape.

Eating breakfast: Mothers get up before the rest of the household and cook a hearty meal. The family sits at the table thirty seconds before going out on their daily business, and make do with a bit of toast and half a glass of juice. The father takes three sips of coffee, glances at his watch and says he has to leave, puts on his jacket while managing another sip.

Eating dinner: If a woman prepares a romantic candlelight dinner, the fellow won’t show up. If they’ve just got together, they eat from Chinese take-away boxes, preferably sitting on the bare
floor.

Engagement: When falling in love you say “I want you to have mother’s ring, it’s a family heirloom”. When separating you should return the ring, though in extreme cases you can throw it into the river/ocean/well.

Falling: Women fall when chased. If there’s a man around, he’ll pick her up and help her run.

Falling in love: Love has many faces, in film too, but if the parties are opposites success is assured: him serious, her fickle; her serious, him wild. The first meeting involves a mishap, some confusion, a mistaken identity or perhaps a collision, be it in a corridor or in a motorcar.

Fighting: You can neutralize two hoodlums by knocking their heads together. If you win at the end, you must lose the first round. No matter what happens, the hero and the villain will have their final, one-on-one fight.

Forensics: The most inarticulate detective can ask the lab to perform the most elaborate tests.

Glasses: Glasses are a handicap. Men in glasses are, heaven forbid, “Philosophers”, “Scientists”, “Teachers”, “Intellectuals”. When a man becomes an active hero, his eyesight becomes 20-20 and he doesn’t need glasses any more. Women who wear glasses are sexually repressed. When they loosen up the glasses disappear. If they wear contacts, one will fall to the ground and everyone will drop to the floor to look for it.

Health: Coughing is a symptom of a terminal disease.

Hostage/Torture: The hero will always escape if they tie him to plumbing or part of an old building. The ‘loose screw’ situation happens every time. After being tortured, the hero will still be fully vitalized to pursue the villain – no matter how many beatings, bones broken or glass in feet. In ‘James Bond’ style, the hero is never simply killed (shot) when captured, which is the downfall of every villain.

Hugging: American families like to hug. When hugging, one should say “I love you, son”.

Ice cream: Unhappy people eat it at night, straight from the box.

Locks: Any lock can be opened with a credit card or hairpin.

Money: In a restaurant, when the woman leaves after fighting with her man, he will toss a couple of notes on the table without checking the bill. Same thing in bars. There is never a problem with change. Same thing in hotels and taxis.

Panic: When a woman enters her home, and suspects someone is lurking, she never turns on the light. When in deep panic she screams, hands on cheeks.

Phones: People don’t introduce therselves, nor do they say “bye” when they’re done. They remember a huge amount of phone numbers by heart: high school friends they haven’t seen in years, government offices, every restaurant in town (they also remember the head waiter’s name). They seldom need a phone book, an address book or operator assistance. When the phone wakes you up in the morning, you grope for it with your hand and drop it on the floor. Cell phones will work forever, i.e., days/weeks on end with no charge unless there is a dire emergency, then the battery will show dead.

Police: The bosses are always mad at their top detective, threatening to suspend him. After they do, he manages to solve the crime single-handed. Police bosses are under pressure from the mayor, who threatens them that if they don’t get the serial killer.. and so on, ad nauseum.

Pregnancy: If a woman has dizzy spells that means she is pregnant (and surprised). When she tells her man he is even more surprised.

Radio/TV: When the hero wants to hear a newscast he opens the set exactly as the newsreader gets to the point and shuts it down right afterwards. If a friend calls you and tells you to watch for an interesting news item, you open the set and the item starts right away.

Recordings: When the hero wants to hear a recording, he rewinds the tape to the exact spot where the recording starts; he manages to do this time and time again.

Ropes: Very easy to get out of, using supple fingers or rubbing against a sharp object. Still the hero will pretend to be tied up so he can jump at the appropriate moment.

Schools: Lessons are very short and the bell cuts the teacher in mid sentence.

Shootouts: Heros are shot in the arm or leg; they improvise a bandage to restrict bloodflow and go on fighting evil. Women are shot in the belly.

Shopping: Put your purchases in a brown paper bag; it will fall apart before you reach the kitchen. If this happens in the street or the stairs it is an excellent way to meet someone of the opposite sex.

Soldiers: If a soldier shows his friend a photo of his small-town sweetheart, he will die soon. If he’s about to go on a coveted leave, he will die soon. If he tells his friend about a dream he had — well, you get the idea.

Superheroes: 9 times out of 10, they come from incredible wealth which is mysteriously managed. Are always concerned with collateral damage, even when it means their ruin.

Tears: Women will cry in the bath or the shower. When crying in the shower, their back will slide down the wall slowly until they end up sitting on the floor. After a traumatic event – violence witnessed or rape-related, women will cry in shower fully clothed. Men cry in the battlefield, especially when it rains.

Technology: All computers, even the simplest, will display a realistic 3D colour picture. Character based terminals have all got speech synthesizers.

Toilets: Only men actually use public toilets. Women just use it for their makeup.

Views: From any apartment in Paris you can see the Eiffel tower. From any apartment in New York you can see the Brooklyn Bridge/Empire State building.

Weather: When the heroine says “I think it’s going to rain,” it immediately does.